“Alonement” by Francesca Specter
How to be alone & absolutely own it!
“Why did you cancel the plan at the last moment? Go out and meet your friends.”
“Try to be more sociable. Or else no one will like you.”
“Sorry to hear you don’t have any weekend plans!”
The above are some of the staple comments I heard during my late adolescence, which unfortunately continued until I reached my late twenties. I couldn’t make anyone understand, let alone convince, that I like to be alone with myself as my company. Being alone doesn’t bother me, and I prefer to socialise only when I feel comfortable.
In today’s fast-paced world, spending time on our own, away from the constant buzz in a private space is tagged as ‘being unsocial’.
“No plans on a Saturday night? You must be boring!”
When are you planning the next trip with your partner?
Have you tried the new cafe on the high street with your friends?
Why do you have only a handful of followers on your social media?
Questions. Interference. Mutual disappointments.
But finally, after decades of living in the guilt and the inferiority complex of not being ‘social’, I am happy to find and read the book that validates the feelings of people like me who are conveniently tagged as ‘introverts’.
Alonement: How to be alone & absolutely own it by the London-based journalist, Francesca Specter, serves as a lighthouse for people who find comfort in being alone and also for those who wish they had some time to themselves but are too afraid of being ostracised by the society.
Divided into ten chapters, the book offers a guideline on how to scrape out time for us in this busy world and find out what we truly need and want from ourselves. It encourages the idea that there is nothing wrong in enjoying one’s own company, rather it should be a practice for every individual to unleash the best from within.
The book comes with solid, practical tips on how to make the most of the ‘me time’ by doing activities that we derive pleasure from — whether it is going on a date on our own, practising simple self-care rituals, embarking on solo trips, etc. It asks us to disconnect from the outside world and reconnect with our souls — the only place that harbours the answers to all our questions.
But what will the people say?
Well, who cares?
Being alone can bring us unadulterated joy. Because only when we are alone, we can see our most authentic selves and the most vulnerable ones. And then, we can choose activities or tasks to heal our inner child, nourish our soul and step out into the real world in our shining armour, ready to face everyday struggles.
Alonement gives us power. The power to not follow the herd but to carve an identity of our own. Just as Virginia Woolf advocated for financial stability and a private space in A Room of One’s Own, this book advocates for spending time alone and becoming unabashed about it.
What about being in love?
Love is the bitter-sweet fruit and romance is the shiny wrapper. When the initial honeymoon phase fizzles out, what remains and gets tested is the level of understanding, mutual respect and friendship that the relationship has.
When in love, we all have the urge to remain connected, 24x7. From dawn to dusk, we feel like sharing every passing moment with our beloved. While this may seem like a perfect fairy tale romance with the eternal tag of ‘happily ever after’, things might get problematic, specifically if one of the partners prefers some alone time without the company of the other.
The book suggests that when both partners embrace alonement — doing activities they like, they return to the relationship, adding more depth and value to the shared space and contributing highly to their combined existence. It’s time to stop viewing relationships as something that completes us. Instead, we should seek those that complement us. As Specter wisely says:
“Start looking for your soul, mate!”
Favourite lines:
- “Alone time, at its best, should be a self-actualising experience. It’s a chance to do the activities you love, like exercise or pursuing a creative hobby. It’s to get to know yourself, to recognise your ambitions and to look after yourself.”
- “Alonement is a sanctuary away from the needs and demands of others; and if you can create that sanctuary within your home, even in an unused corner or courtesy of some noise-cancelling headphones, then you’ll reap the benefits daily.”
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